Humor

A man writes the following letter to his wife before heading off to see his new mistress:

To My Dear Wife
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man comes home, he finds the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

Listen to this awesome version of Oh Holy Night

Sarcasma

The Budweiser Girls Turn 50

Barbie Turns 50!

Cougar Barbie (5MB wmv file)

Dear John

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home:

Below is his response:

The Marines: The Few, The Proud, The Witty

Release Your Anger

When life is the pits and you want to scream and shout
Here's a little Dammit Doll you cannot do without
Just grab it by the little legs and find a place to slam it
And as you whack the stuffing out yell "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!"

Funny audio card Kim got me for my 55th birthday. Click here to listen to the audio

For the annual company picnic, management decided that, because of
liability issues, we could bring alcohol, but only one drink per person.
The employee who ordered the cups was promoted to manager.

After being loaned for a short time to the United States, Michelangelo's David is returned to Italy

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network a century ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists find traces of 200-year-old copper wire and conclude that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years before the Scots."

One week later, The Nordic Klub, a Minot, North Dakota newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Velva, Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Dakota had already gone wireless."

Wouldn't it be cool to live life backwards? You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you're kicked out for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day. Then you enjoy your high school years when you hang out with friends, date, and party like there's no tomorrow. As you get ever younger, you go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few more years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxurious spa-like conditions where you enjoy central heating and room service on tap. To top it all off, you finish up as an orgasm.

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day. As it has been pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog."

Bob walks into the sports bar at 9:58 p.m. He sits down next to a blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. At ten o�clock, the news comes on. The headline coverage shows footage of a man preparing to jump from the ledge of a tall building.

The blonde gasps, then looks at Bob and asks, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob ponders a moment, then says, "You know, I bet he jumps."

The blonde replies, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob places a $20 bill on the bar and says, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde places her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge does a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde says, �OhMyGod!� but then starts to hand her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replies sheepishly, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o�clock news, so I knew he�d jump."

The blond replies, "Well so did I, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob takes the money.

Bumper Stickers for 2007

Bush: end of an error
Let's fix democracy in this country first
George Bush: creating the terrorists our kids will have to fight
Impeachment: it's not just for blow jobs anymore
America: one nation, under surveillance
Whose god do you kill for?
Jail to the chief
Bush: proof that intelligent design is a myth
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language
Where are we going? And why are we in this hand basket?
The Republican Party: our bridge to the 11th century
At least Nixon resigned

A Minneapolis couple decided to travel to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans, so the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife flew down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel and, unlike years ago, noticed a computer in his room. He decided to send an email to his wife, but he accidentally left out one letter in her email address.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here!!

Only a small percentage of criminals do any real prison time. The rest are re-elected. (Chris Cassatt & Gary Grookins)

If you want to keep people happy, you must prevent them from knowing anything better is available. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom. After all, a condom accurately reflects the government's political stance. since it allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're being screwed.

This is from a Doonesbury cartoon by G.B. Trudeau

Patient: "TB? My God! Are you sure?"

Doctor: "Afraid so. But we caught it early."

Patient: "So my prognosis is good?"

Doctor: "Depends. Are you a creationist?"

Patient: "Why yes. Yes I am. Why do you ask?"

Doctor: ""Because I need to know whether you want me to treat the TB bug as it was before antibiotics, or as the multiple-drug-resistant strain it has since evolved into."

Patient: ""Evolved?"

Doctor: "Your choice. If you go with the Noah's Ark version, I'll just give you streptomycin."

Patient: "Um . . . What are the newer drugs like?"

Doctor: "They're intelligently designed."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it! . . . There's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

Emo Philips

An English lady was preparing to move to the Continent. During a trip to Switzerland, she was looking for a room to rent and asked the schoolmaster of a small village if he could recommend anything. He took her to see several rooms and when everything was settled, the lady returned to England to make final preparations to move. When she arrived home, she realized that she had not seen a water closet (English for toilet) near the room she had rented. So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near her room. The schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the parish priest if he could help him in the matter. Together they tried to discover the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with was "Wayside Chapel." The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English Lady:

I take great pleasure in informing you that the "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great number of people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly.

You will, no doubt, be glad to hear that a good number bring their own lunch and make a day of it. While others, who can afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially recommend your Ladyship to go on Thursday when there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent, and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.

The newest section is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all since the people have long felt the need.

My wife is rather delicate so she can't attend regularly. It is almost a year since she went last. Naturally, it pains her very much not to be able to go more often.

I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders.

A woman busy talking on her cell phone while putting on her makeup was tailgating another car on a busy street. Suddenly, a traffic light turned yellow right in front of the cars. The first car immediately slowed and then stopped, even though the driver probably could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman screeched to a stop, barely avoiding a collision. She honked her horn, gave the other driver the finger, and stuck her head out her window, cursing in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. While she was ranting and raving, she noticed someone standing next to her car and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered the woman to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, another policeman approached the cell and opened the door. He escorted the woman back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

"I'm very sorry for this mistake" said the officer. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed your 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem mounted on your trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

A company that sells husbands just opened its newest store in New York City. Among the instructions at the entrance to the store is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store only once. There are six floors and the value of the husbands increases at each level. You may choose any husband from a particular floor, or you can continue up to the next floor, but you cannot return to a previously visited floor except to exit the building.

A woman visits the Husband Store eager to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The woman continues to the second floor where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

Intrigued, the woman visits the third floor. The sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Stunningly Handsome.

"Wow!" the woman exclaims. "This just keeps getting better and better!" She decides to go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Stunningly Handsome and Help With Housework.

"Oh my God!" The woman is overcome with excitement and anticipation. Hesitating only a moment, she continues to the fifth floor. The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Stunningly Handsome, Help with Housework, and are Incurable Romantics.

The woman nearly faints. Taking some deep breaths to calm herself, she decides to go for it and goes up to the sixth floor. The sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To counter charges of gender bias, the company opened The Wife Store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Alleged transcript of a radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry Ireland in October 1998 . . .

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

British: This is the captain of a British Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

British: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Britannia, the second largest ship in the British Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. We demand you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that is 15 degrees north or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world" Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

666-66-6666 - Social Security number of the Beast
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$606.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh . . . what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! Only $6.66/minunte!
Route 666 - Highway of the Beast

$6.66 - Price of a gallon of Beast gas
666 ^oF - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % - 5-year CD at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit

666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast

Windows 666 - Operating system of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual description of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

The Navy found it had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to drop 'em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to the process of globalization.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism and Intelligent Design should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of this operating system.

George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us.

Al Gore: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

Ralph Nader: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Rush Limbaugh: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

These unedited comments allegedly come from a Catholic elementary school where children wrote answers based on questions about the Old and New Testaments.

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Go to www.Google.com type in "miserable failure" (without the quote marks), and hit the "I'm feeling lucky button."

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable Programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly 10.8

Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid the man incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the American rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, Oklahoma and overseas. All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

So St. Peter escorts the senator to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich while screwing others and trashing the environment. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the doors open on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

The senator joins a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the day is over and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean, heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes back down to hell. The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted."

Bonus Question supposedly asked on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

In case Batman gets lost

Decisions, decisions

Thank goodness! Until now,
only 36% of women got this far

Big Brother is watching

Interesting marketing angle!

How do you enter? The exit?

Think you can drive that far with a flat tire?

What an appetizing thought

Hey, they left out the "c"

And you thought you couldn't get a job

Hygiene is so important

A man's dream come true

May they rest in McPeace

How refreshing

Those cute, furry, little drug-addicted dope heads!

No! The OTHER right!

Well, it WAS a secret

Another wet dream come true

History 101 - This is supposedly a compilation of student bloopers collected by teachers of students in 8th grade through college.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battle fields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began.
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea.
Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.
Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions....
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio.
Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

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